First off, I have to tell everyone that my bosses definitely don’t have a taser on my neck to make sure we mention Taylor Swift the required number of times a day (come on, you know who we work for. The taser around my neck is our Christmas bonus). I write this of my own free will.
The Kansas City Chiefs, now used as one of the top PR firms in the world, let a win over the NFC’s best team slip through their fingers. In fact, literally. 10 yards from what probably would have been a game-tying touchdown, Travis Kelce — clearly tired and distracted from a bye-week trip to South America to give his post-playing career outlook on Good Morning America — supports his girlfriend Tay Tay to present – fumbled and kept the Eagles in the game.
(I’m certainly not getting poked in the ribs with a crowbar right now).
Obviously, if Kelce’s mind was completely on football, we would have seen the normal broken tackles on the way to the end zone. But thanks to the influence of Ms. Swift (Mrs. Kelce one day, if it tests well with focus groups), Kelce takes himself far too seriously and spends 60 minutes protecting himself rather than risking it all. It is clear that he feels he is too valuable to America, as I am in no way obliged to write.
But it wasn’t to be for the Chiefs, who still had the ball in Mahomes’ hands with a chance to win. That’s all they usually need. Because Mahomes does things like…
Wait, that’s not how it ends. That’s not how it works, that’s not how any of this works.
But we can’t just sit here and call Valdes-Scantling a doofus, because clearly all the Chiefs are walking on eggshells and pins and needles due to the extra spotlight being shone on them thanks to Kelce’s pursuit of world stardom. Their hands are just a little sweatier, the knees shaking that much more, because Swift-sized judgment awaits around every turn. The task of fulfilling a lifelong dream while carrying the hopes of an entire city while maximizing the small window a professional football player has in the NFL? Children’s games. But letting Taylor Swift down? They might as well all carry around a guillotine.
(It’s definitely not a shotgun cocked in the kitchen where my do also happens to be).
It certainly has nothing to do with yet another Matt Nagy-led offense going into a second-half vapor lock, which isn’t a long record from before or anything. And it’s not like the Chiefs will figure out all these yips with a soft-ass schedule the rest of the way and a new resilient and relentless defense that’s better than previous versions just in time for the playoffs when they almost certainly still another will offer. AFC Championship Game. The weight of the Swifties is not something any team can carry.
It’s clear now that the only thing standing between the Chiefs and their status as an official NFL dynasty is a 5-10 pop star. It might as well be six Goros guarding the door. Taylor also has four arms.
(I am now assured I can live another day).
Not a good look for USMNT
The USMNT ended its year with essentially a dead rubber against Trinidad and Tobago. It was the second leg of their CONCACAF Nations League quarter-final/qualifier for Copa America next summer and the USA had a 3-0 lead from the first leg. They scored first through this delightful cross and header from Sergino Dest to Antonee Robinson:
And after that everything was a fait accompli. But that didn’t stop Dest from collecting the most brain-dead red card in USMNT history, aside from anything Jeff Agoos might have done:
Yep, that’s two yellows in one fell swoop, while also trying to find a fight against half his own team over an unsolved error that no one can identify in a match and tie already decided where he remaining time should have been spent just trying not to get hurt. Draymond Green cries at all that he never realized he could accomplish and the waning time he has to do.
Here’s how they should honor Modano
The Dallas Stars have announced that Mike Modano will be getting a statue outside the American Airlines Center. We have a suggestion from which it should be:
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